Boy I really have to work on being more consistent with my entries! My last entry was over 2 months ago and as an update there is some good news, and some semi-good news. The good (no, GREAT) news it that I still haven't smoked any cigarettes! I am at around 75 days smoke free now and I really couldn't be prouder of myself in that regard! I even had a really big test during this 4 day cruise I was on with my sister, but I still said no and showed myself that I am capable of incredible self control.
The semi-good news is that I haven't really gotten very far in the weight loss category. In fact I gained back some weight since I quit smoking which, to be honest, I am not being very hard on myself about. When I quit this time I told myself I would get a pass on absolutely everything else I struggled with, as long as I DID NOT SMOKE. That was it. That was the deal. And I must say so far the decision to give myself a lot of slack in this crucial period was the best choice I could have made. I have been playing WoW, I have been eating more calories than I should, and I have even been drinking more than I normally do all while not working out.. but absolutely no cigarettes so I'd give myself an A++++!
I did notice that I still have these obsessive oral behaviors. Where I'd normally have a cigarette, I started eating Altoids instead. Now of course, for the past 2.5 months I've had no problem going through Altoids like they were going extinct.. but lately I've started to feel like I even though Altoids won't give me cancer, they are still a sign that I am feeding an addiction and not in full control of myself.
I might have mentioned this earlier, but I also started drinking a bit in situations where I am very very angry or upset because those situations still give me this overwhelming urge to be self-destructive and drinking is a way to feed that destructive urge while also knowing soon after I will feel mentally altered and usually more calm. Now I am fully aware that this isn't a good choice, and it is something I am going to work on when I feel more stable in how I deal with my anger and frustration. For now, these intense negative emotions almost exclusively come from a fight with my mother. And in the past where I would go outside and chain smoke, now I have to find another way to deal with these intense feelings and taking a shot of vodka has actually been very helpful even though I know it's not "healthy" to switch one addictive substance for another.
I've found that blasting some music to dance to (or not), or doing some of my breathing exercises that I learned from when I had the panic attacks also help. I'm also trying to stop myself from even getting into the fight with her in the first place. I lose my cool sometimes (mostly it is with her, so much history there) and say things I regret 5 mins later. So what I've been working on is stopping myself before I even say that hurtful or mean comment, and try to remove myself from the situation before it gets out of hand. I have had some success with this lately.
When I quit cigarettes I told myself 3 months.. 3 months of having a "pass" on anything and everything else, as long as I didn't smoke. Well I'm almost at the end of that time, and I am just in the past week starting to want to add more accountability to other areas of my life. I know it sounds small, but as an example I ran out of altoids a few days ago, and usually I'd make sure to go out and get more so I would have them to munch on throughout the day or during times of intense cravings. But this time I made myself go without them for a few days because I didn't like the similar addictive feelings I was having towards altoids that I had with cigarettes. I didn't like that I felt I needed to drive to a store to buy a tin of altoids because I had run out, even though I didn't really want to go. That was way too similar to the familiar "gotta get cigarettes" feelings I used to have.
I also really need to get a job and eventually move out of my parent's house. Lately I've become very aware of how dysfunctional my world views are. Sometimes I feel like I was "frozen" at a certain mental age and I get extremely worried when I think about how comfortable I am living at home, and how the idea of moving away from my parents and dogs scares me so much. It's only going to get worse the longer I live here, and already every time I try to imagine moving out, the idea of leaving my parents and dogs is upsetting enough that I just stop thinking about it. I mean wow.. that is pretty bad. I dunno maybe I need to go on anti-depressants again, maybe they could help me feel "less". I'm just not sure. But I have to be careful not to get too down on myself. I have been in some rough places not so long ago, and I need to make sure to give myself credit where I deserve it. Quitting smoking is a MAJOR victory and one that a lot of people who are far more successful and in-shape and sure of their life paths aren't able to do. I've got strength in me, I know I can adapt to new situations, I just need to take that first big step.
Some goals for the coming month:
Get a job, whether it be part time or even more officially working for Dad
Start exercising more regularly and making better choices with meals
Make more of an effort to get to sleep before 2am
Consider adding anti-depressants or at least some kind of therapy
Until next time.. :)
