Oh, Industry

Don't judge that title, just came to me so I wrote it down.  I'm in that kind of mood.  Just got off the phone with my sister and had, well, a pretty upsetting talk.  I can see her slipping away.  Or rather, I can see the distance between us growing.  She isn't really going down any bad paths, well maybe somewhat but that is just a matter of opinion.  But something has changed, is changing.  It hurts me so much to think of not being close with her anymore.  It literally tears me up inside when I imagine us 10 years from now, barely in each others lives, only talking on major holidays or life events.  But maybe that is the way it goes with all siblings.  Getting married, having kids, of course that will add new priorities and amazing loves to our lives.  And she's not done any of that yet but even so I feel things are changing.

And it's about goddamn money.  That motherfucking green devil that ruins so many relationships.  Makes me want to join a hippie commune.  But she is right in some ways.  I do need to get a job that is independent of Dad.  I know I need it.  I just really don't feel like I'm doing something wrong in not jumping at the first opening I can get.  I'm still doing good things with my life right now, I'm still helping Dad's business, working for him, exercising, eating better.. ah fuck I'm so sick of listing the damn things I'm doing right!!  I'm just sick of explaining myself to people!  I know what I'm doing why do I have to keep repeating it!  Why do I feel like I have to keep validating my choices lately?  Jesus it felt like my sister was more accepting of me when I played games all night, slept all day, and ate fast food while smoking cigs in between.  Why NOW is she giving me all this shit about my productivity?

I don't want to speak too soon, but I really felt something break off tonight.  Not a major piece, but a piece nonetheless.  Just like she is separating herself from us because she wants to avoid the guilt and hurt she feels, I need to separate myself from her for similar reasons.  I can't keep expecting her to want to spend time with us or me.  I can't keep hoping that she'll finally be proud of how far I've come or how hard I'm working to improve myself.  I think it will happen one day, but until then I will feel so much disappointment  maybe it's smarter to back away now.  God that sucks to say or think about and I know a lot of it is just the hurt talking from tonight, but I'm not seeing it get any better.  In fact I'm almost positive it will get a lot worse before it gets any better.  Do I want to go on that dark ride?  Maybe not.

Ahhh this sucks and it is going to keep sucking and I just have to work through it.  I have to keep doing what I've been doing even when I want to give up.  I have to stop giving myself shit for how far behind in "life" I am because that will never solve anything.  I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and as long as I'm not taking the wrong path, I'll get to the right place eventually.

I have to believe this because I just can't afford to give up on myself again.  I can't go back there I know where it leads and it's not a happy place.  There is nothing that depresses me more right now than when I think about how much I really need to move out of my parents house, and then follow it with the realization of how sad it would be to leave my parents and dogs, and how scary it all is to think about.  Is all of this a mistake?  Am I agonizing about pulling off the band-aid when I should really just stop worrying and rip the damn thing off?  Would that be the answer?  Or would that open up a deadly wound that wasn't ready to be exposed?  Who even knows.

There is one thing I do know for sure though.  All of this depression makes me want to relapse.  That word in my context sounds so petty compared to what most people (including me) think when they hear it.  But it would mean disaster for me just as much as heroin would mean for a junkie.  Smoking, eating, going back to my zombie existence.  Man that sounds so fucking great right now, in a depressed-punishment way.  But I'm so thankful that, at least for now, I have even more negative memories of that life and all of those things I hated about being a smoker and a gamer and obese are enough to keep me straight.

And now I'm sick of talking about myself so that shall be it for tonight, good times.  PS and just for the record's sake because I know I love reading this years down the road, last night/today I made a decision to take adderall for what it is and stop expecting what it used to be.  If I don't get the same effect off of 20 that I used to, well too bad.  I don't want to increase my dose yet (as a hard rule I never want to need more than 30mg a dose - twice a day) and I also need to make sure I am replacing the hobbies I gave up with new ones so that I don't turn into some damn joyless cyborg, and a fat one at that.

Okay signing off for now,
Previously-happy-go-lucky-alex-now-greyed-yet-determined-to-be-better

Rough day

I'm always so frustratingly positive I thought I should show a side that comes up from time to time, also know as Mr. Fuck-My-Life.

Today has really been challenging.  I'm utterly frustrated with the people that I love the most in life.  I feel I have no ambition career wise and the job I was hoping to enjoy isn't working out.  I want to eat anything and everything I can put in my mouth which makes me think of smoking as that used to be my favorite thing to do after stuffing myself.

I've been working so hard to stay quit from cigs, lose weight, and eat healthy lately and today I just feel like giving up on all of it.  What really gets in my head in a sick way is when I think about how I have no ambition in life.  I can't imagine a career that appeals to me, I don't know where to start with jobs.  I've got some sick pride in that I would feel embarrassed doing certain jobs because of how much potential I used to have and all the money and time I spent in school/college.

Sometimes, like today, I just want to give up on all of it.  My future, my quitting cigs, my journey to better myself.  I am not thinking of suicide, but more of a slow death.  I feel like if I can't come up with any career that appeals to me, or any life goals, why not just eat whatever I want, smoke all day every day, and just get so unhealthy that I die by 40.

I mean normally that sounds terrible, what about your kids, your husband, your life??  But what if I don't have that.. what am I really missing in the next 40 years?  Why not just give in to all of those nagging voices and addictions and indulge in everything I'm trying to avoid.

I'm not quite there yet, and I didn't give in and I didn't smoke.  But it was the closest  I've been to breaking my quit since the first week.  And I know this wasn't a cig craving, it was pure depression and my own weakness from years of giving in and eating/smoking whenever I wanted.

I'm sorry for this negative post.  I just really had to vent somewhere and I wanted to make sure if I get through this, I can look back and remember that there were times where I really struggled to stay on the right track.

Alex
Day 121 smoke free