Rough day

I'm always so frustratingly positive I thought I should show a side that comes up from time to time, also know as Mr. Fuck-My-Life.

Today has really been challenging.  I'm utterly frustrated with the people that I love the most in life.  I feel I have no ambition career wise and the job I was hoping to enjoy isn't working out.  I want to eat anything and everything I can put in my mouth which makes me think of smoking as that used to be my favorite thing to do after stuffing myself.

I've been working so hard to stay quit from cigs, lose weight, and eat healthy lately and today I just feel like giving up on all of it.  What really gets in my head in a sick way is when I think about how I have no ambition in life.  I can't imagine a career that appeals to me, I don't know where to start with jobs.  I've got some sick pride in that I would feel embarrassed doing certain jobs because of how much potential I used to have and all the money and time I spent in school/college.

Sometimes, like today, I just want to give up on all of it.  My future, my quitting cigs, my journey to better myself.  I am not thinking of suicide, but more of a slow death.  I feel like if I can't come up with any career that appeals to me, or any life goals, why not just eat whatever I want, smoke all day every day, and just get so unhealthy that I die by 40.

I mean normally that sounds terrible, what about your kids, your husband, your life??  But what if I don't have that.. what am I really missing in the next 40 years?  Why not just give in to all of those nagging voices and addictions and indulge in everything I'm trying to avoid.

I'm not quite there yet, and I didn't give in and I didn't smoke.  But it was the closest  I've been to breaking my quit since the first week.  And I know this wasn't a cig craving, it was pure depression and my own weakness from years of giving in and eating/smoking whenever I wanted.

I'm sorry for this negative post.  I just really had to vent somewhere and I wanted to make sure if I get through this, I can look back and remember that there were times where I really struggled to stay on the right track.

Alex
Day 121 smoke free