More ups and downs, making progress though

So it's been about 2 weeks since my last update.  Funny it felt longer to me.  I guess I'm still not that disciplined with blogging because I seem to only come here when I'm really happy or really upset.  And tonight unfortunately, I'm the latter.

I sometimes wonder why I write my thoughts down here instead of a private word document.  I've never told anyone about this, and sometimes I even end up censoring myself somewhat because I know it's public.. so what's the point?  To be honest I'm not sure.  I guess there is a part of me that thinks maybe someone might come across this and get something from it, and if even one person reads a post and identifies with it, and it can help them in a tough spot, then it's worth it.  But maybe that's just narcissistic.

I'll just move into tonight.  For the first time since January we ordered pizza tonight.  A bit of quick back story for the future me (and that one person that might come across this blog) - the past few weeks I've been really struggling with my schedule.  I've been going to bed so late, sometimes as late as 10am, and 2 days ago I actually stayed up the entire night and the rest of the next day (although no one knew).  I have been playing WoW, that fucking soul vampire that I can't seem to stop.  I haven't even been getting a lot of pleasure from it lately, just momentary entertainment that seems to last hours on end.  But as soon as I log off I feel like a piece of shit for wasting my entire night doing something so meaningless.

I've still not smoked, and I even broke under 300 lbs a week ago, so in those areas I'm proud of myself - but the sabotage remains.  After waking up at 6pm today, I wanted pizza.  We're really low on groceries and I haven't gone to get any for at least a month (bad sign I know).  Well I ordered it, and was so proud of myself for deciding to workout before it arrived.  Everything was going well I thought, did my workout, had a great talk with dad, go out to get the pizza and have a nice conversation with the delivery guy.. but then I come inside to the kitchen and it all falls apart.

I see my mom is cooking something on the stove.  I wonder why she is cooking when she knows we have pizza arriving and then I see that it is steaks.  Not just any steaks, but old, expired, fucking DISGUSTING steaks.  She keeps them in our freezer way past their due date (I'm talking over 6 months past) and then cooks them for our dogs.  Well you know, I don't like one fucking part of that.  We love our dogs but lately I've been trying to avoid feeding them human food because I know it's not good.  But not only is she feeding them human food, but it's expired human food.

And if that wasn't enough, she's doing it right as our god damn motherfucking pizza is arriving.  Pizza that is the most calorie-rich and craving inducing food that we've eaten since January!  We're literally splurging on this meal and she picks that time to cook these disgusting, foul-smelling steaks in our kitchen.  I immediately felt myself losing control.  In a flash of emotions I thought how gross it smelled in there, and how I was about to eat some pizza I'd been craving for over an hour, and that smell was ruining it.. and how I shouldn't even be eating that pizza anyway, but I was going to give in tonight, but that fucking smell.. and WHY, why would she cook that shit now?

I think the fact that deep down I was upset that I ordered pizza, and I knew it wasn't good to eat, made me more upset than I should have been.  And she didn't know this so I understand my reaction would have seemed way overboard.  But there was so much more.  She hasn't cooked US a meal in who knows how long.. but she cooks expired human meat for the dogs every week or so.  And I know if we didn't have dogs, she'd just cook that shit for herself.  Her father was so fucked up about wasting food that he'd eat food out of the trash that had gone bad.. and she got a lot of that.

I was upset, I started tearing up.. I hated that I was so weak and couldn't control my tears.. and I said she must be ignorant because "how can you not know how disgusting this is, and how much I hate when you do this" and "how can you choose this time to cook that meat when you know I hate expired food".  And I'm not kidding about that.. I don't think she is malicious, but I do think she has a lot of resentment.  We cleaned out this house a few years ago while she was away (she's a serious hoarder) and she's told us she still can't think about it, and holds resentment.  Not "wow I can't imagine how hard it was for you guys to fill up 3 30' dumpsters of shit from this house" or "god all the shit you guys had to do, for 2 weeks straight, I couldn't do it and you had to live in this disgusting house for years, I'm sorry"... Nope.. just can't talk about it, and resentment.  You wonder why I have so much pent up anger towards her.

Anyway, instead of raging, I turned my anger at the food.  I opened the freezer and in a fit I started pulling out all the expired meat she had been keeping in there for years.  Of course, like nothing else, this got her all upset.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more important than her FUCKING STUFF.  Fucking hoarder.  Well she was asking my dad for help, and saying how I needed to move out because she couldn't do this anymore.  That's a fucking joke.. like I'm the one causing all the problems in the house.  We are all self-medicating because of HER.  I felt bad for my dad because he didn't need that shit.  But she was right about one thing -  I need to move out.

I don't have much money, and I work for my dad, so I know I'd need to find another job first, and save up enough money for at least 6 months rent before I can consider moving.  So I don't know what the next step is.  I'm working on a big project with my dad that I can't drop, so I guess I have to finish this, then I can start looking for another job.  And of course then I have to save up for a while before I can move out.  Of course there is always some kind of overseas option.  Maybe I can just try something completely radical.  And that appeals to me, but the idea of maybe sharing an apartment with my sister is really appealing too.  But maybe that's not a good idea, I just don't know.

Here's what I do know.  I got pissed off tonight, I had a meltdown in a sense (at least in my head).  But I didn't break anything, I didn't even consider smoking or going to McDonalds (fuck em).. I did have a oj vodka mixed drink which I guess isn't so terrible.  But I came in my room, cried, listened to music, and actually did some workouts to tire myself.  In terms of what I did when I came into my room, I give myself an A+.  I couldn't be happier at how I handled all those emotions in a pretty healthy way.  My next goal though is to be able to retreat to my room before I lose it with my mom.  Maybe it's not so bad that I stay here longer because I've obviously not mastered that part.

Another long post, another crazy night.  I'm gonna stop for now,

Alex

In the middle

I'm kind of having a rough week.  I'm starting to realize that the type of amazing motivation and productivity I got from adderall isn't coming back unless I up my dose, and I don't really want to do that.  And boy do I miss that motivation.  I'm still very thankful for the time I had it, and I think it was an amazing tool to help me get my engine started in the terrible rusty shape it was in before.  But I don't really like that I'm taking this drug.  I don't like worrying about my heart rate or thinking I could have a heart attack if I work out too hard.  I mean that sucks, it really sucks.

I lost a lot of weight at the start but I've been disappointed at the rate I've been losing since I started working out in late January.  I thought if I was losing weight just by eating less, if I cut out fast food, any drink but water, and actually exercised then the weight would just have to fly off!  But it actually seemed to be slower?  I'm definitely still losing, but I dunno, I guess my expectations were too high.

Which brings my back to the adderall.  I've read my fair share of stories where they say how adderall ruined their life, and how they wish they'd never started.  Well I don't really feel that.  Maybe it's because I haven't tried to quit yet, or maybe it was because I honestly tried my hardest not to abuse it.  I was extra careful about only taking my normal dose, not increasing it for extra effects etc, and I always took 2 days off every 7-9 days.  But even so, the doses haven't felt as potent lately.  And that's not surprising.  Of course that's how tolerance works.  But it's sad nonetheless.  

I'm not sure that I've done enough of what I wanted to get accomplished with it.  I've done some great stuff and I don't want to discount that.  I lost 65 lbs, I quit smoking, I started a habit of working out that has proven to be stronger than my urge to be lazy.  I quit gaming and started working for my Dad.  I still felt depression sometimes though.  Especially in the past month or two, which I think was to be expected as the dosage wasn't as effective and I'm coming to the end of the period where my previous accomplishments are enough to sustain me.  I need some new ones.

I started Wellbutrin 11 days ago.  I wanted to try it because I've tried Zoloft and Celexa before, and I read that in some cases, people found the Wellbutrin helped soften some of the adderall personality and social harshness.  I also thought it would be a good choice for me as an anti-depressant and slight stimulant once I stopped taking adderall.  I've definitely noticed it help soften my "get work done" attitude I've developed, but I also had a really bad night 2 days ago when I had almost 3 margaritas and ended up with this intense anger episode I had read could be an early side effect.  I don't want to get into that now, but it wasn't great.

Up until the last 2 days or so I had felt like the Wellbutrin had really helped with my moods, and made me more social and interested in doing things with others, but there was no question that it muted the adderall effects.  But that's not a reason to stop it because really the adderall was losing effectiveness anyway, and Wellbutrin could really help with my depression and even help me stay away from cigs.  Tonight I'm feeling pretty melancholy and I had that anger outburst 2 nights ago, so really it's not being so great lately.  But I'm going to keep taking it and give it a proper chance.

Another incredibly long post and the sadness is making me tired so I'm gonna go.  I'll end on a good note though, I'm so close to breaking under the 300 lb mark, I still have to work on my discipline because I had a bad night with chips a day after weight in at the lowest weight in years, so I'm not home free.  But also 2 days ago was my 150th day/5 month anniversary since I quit smoking.  So hell ya that feels great :)  I still get cravings randomly, or encounter a situation where I remember I used to love smoking in, but there's also a lot of times (and I really try to make a mental note of them) where I'm so happy I'm not a smoker.  When I see someone leaving a bar to smoke, or thinking about having to go outside late and night in the cold to get my last cig before bed, or when I kiss my dogs or they lick my hand and I don't have to feel bad about the smell.  

So.. congrats to me, really awesome job with smoking, I honestly couldn't be prouder <3 div="">