V-day

Today I realized I've spent so many years avoiding a lot of social interaction, it's taking some time to get re-acclimated. As an example, I spent 35 mins driving to my psychiatrists appt today to realize when I got there that he had called yesterday to reschedule it. Of course if I ever checked my phone messages I'd known this ><

Before I left for my appointment today I got really frustrated/angry with my mom because she couldn't find the car keys and I didn't want to be late. After checking the house, trunk, and mailbox (because I guess she'd left them in the trunk before and the neighbors put them in the mailbox) finally we found a 2nd set and discovered them on the front seat. By the time I got in the car to leave I was a bit of a mess. Very angry. very frustrated and I had the most intense craving yet. I even briefly thought "oh, so this is how I start smoking again". 

But I sat there, fuming, angry, sad, depressed.. but I didn't smoke. I put on some music and just started driving and by the time I got on the freeway I realized I'd gotten past the worst of it and one of the things I kept reminding myself is that smoking didn't fix anything. I won't deny it felt good during stress but that was only because it was a drug my body was craving. I got through the moment without smoking and I feel 100x better now.

A major positive I've found is as someone who hasn't really pushed herself in the past 4 years or so.. I feel like my self-discipline is shot. I don't always have confidence that I can do whatever I set my mind to and I refer to myself as "weak" way too often. I know I need to stop doing that and starting some CBT on my own has helped me stop those thoughts and replace them if I remember.

But what I was saying is quitting smoking has actually been such a boost of self confidence. I keep having these little self-discipline victories each time I don't give in to a craving. Honestly I can't imagine anything else that could build self-esteem like quitting cigarettes!! So weird! I think momentum is so powerful.. and I realized even if I do mess up one day and start smoking again.. no one.. not even my mind.. can take away from all the victories I've had this past week. And I can look back and reference those moments of strength when I'm feeling weak and say "Hey Alex.. look what you did! Look what you can do!"

It makes me tear up to even think about that stuff because I think it really is so powerful. I'm just grateful that I'm able to feel this way and I just want to keep this up.

So today was a stressful day and a slightly depressing day, but it was also a really amazing day because I proved that I am stronger than I ever thought I was :)

Panic attacks, quitting smoking, and more!

Two nights ago I sat crying on my bed for 30 mins doing nothing but trying to keep myself from going to McDonald's and stuffing myself so when I broke my quit that cig would just taste heavenly. Looking back at how much I desperately wanted to give up I am honestly surprised I managed not to smoke. The last few years I haven't exercised a lot of will power and have developed habits of just giving in to temptation instead of denying myself. I honestly was proud of myself two night ago and I think it might have been one of the hardest (willpower related) things I've done in years.

I have been smoking since I was 20 (I'm 28 now) and I've tried quitting twice before, both times only lasted about a month. I thought this time I'd need to carefully plan my quit, maybe try chantrix or wellbutrin to help, but it just sort of happened before I thought I was ready.

I had a panic attack for the first time in my life 2 weeks prior and have had some minor attacks since. I'm also on other meds that I know could have contributed to it, but there is no denying that smoking raised my heart rate and made me feel like I couldn't take deep breaths. I had to make a decision between smoking and staying on this other med that has been helping me lose weight and get my life back in order. Even if the healthiest choice is to stop both, at least stopping smoking for now is a major improvement and I think the best possible decision I could make for myself.

So in a nutshell that's where I am :P 5 days into my quit and I keep randomly forgetting that I've quit. Sometimes I'll be heading to my car and get excited because my brain is expecting a cig, then I realize (with much sadness) that nope, I'm not smoking anymore. Or I'll be finishing a meal and feeling excited, and I'm not totally sure why until i realized my brain is anticipating a cig. It's happened quite a few times and honestly its one of the worst parts for me.

But this time around I've had one major paradigm shift.. and that is instead of just feeling sad and upset that I can't smoke.. I'm actually mad. I'm damn mad that I got so addicted to this stupid drug and that it is causing me so much anguish now. I'm pissed that my addicted brain is still trying to convince me to start smoking again when its the SAME brain feeling all the painful urges! Nicotine did this to my brain and for the first time, I'm pissed at it and I refuse to let it take such hold of me again.

Let's try this again!

Wow it’s been almost 2 years to the day since my last post! Man so much to catch up on it is slightly overwhelming lol. I didn’t sleep last night and the thought of doing an entire catch-up post is overwhelming, so I’m just gonna cover some recent events :) About 2 months ago I’m not sure what specifically prompted this, but I finally decided to see a psychiatrist to try and get some medication. For a long time I’ve been really curious about how adderall could benefit my life and I figured I’d give it a real try and see what happens. Well, long story short, I got it and have had the most productive, eye opening 2 months I’ve ever had!

Now I know there are people that will look down on me for a) resorting to medication to fix my problems and b) of all meds actually taking adderall which is basically amphetamine salts. Some people think taking any kind of psychiatric medication is a sign of weakness, and to them I’d just have to flat out disagree. I’ll let them have their viewpoint, but taking medication in an attempt to better my life is something I will never, ever, feel guilty about. As to the second point, well I agree somewhat. I know adderall is a serious drug and can have even more serious consequences if you’re not careful. I recognize it is a stimulant and it is abused by many people. I also recognize that is has a very high potential for addiction. But you know what, I still think it is the right medication for me, and my experience so far has been unbelievably positive.

There are 2 major benefits to this medication. The first one is enhanced focus/productivity. Anyone that knows me knows that I have had some significant struggles in the last 6 years. Some were the result of events I had no choice in, but others were because of my lack of discipline and self control. Adderall greatly helps with the latter. I am still very far from the lifestyle I want for myself, but over the past 2 months I have seen some amazing changes in the right direction. 

The second benefit is actually an unintentional effect of the medication. Reduced appetite. I can honestly say my weight has caused me more grief than anything else in my life. Ever since I was 8 I have been overweight but it has only been the past 6 years that I have been severely overweight, falling into the disgustingly named “morbidly obese” category of BMIs. If having an extra 35 lbs caused me constant insecurity in my teens, you can only imagine what being almost 200 lbs overweight has done to me.

I’ve known for quite some time that I have a serious eating addiction, but I never really understood how severe it was until I started adderall and like magic, it disappeared. It was the first time in my entire life that I didn’t think about food constantly. Food was no longer an activity or reward but simply fuel for my body. It’s not even that I am never hungry, it is just that aside from my meals, food doesn’t enter my mind. And let me tell you it is one of the most unbelievable feelings and a benefit I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams. Sure I heard adderall curbed hunger, and I figured I would eat less and not as often, but I never predicted it could change the way I viewed food!

Of course it isn’t a permanent change. When I am not on adderall I get my old cravings and think about food all the time, but I have seen what it’s like to have a healthy relationship with food and I try my best to use that knowledge on my off days. I’ve already lost some weight as a result, but I know the really significant progress will start when I fully commit to changing my life. I’ve started to add exercise and I have made an effort not to eat fast food if I can help it. The only fast food I’ve eaten in the past 3 weeks is a grilled chicken wrap from McDonalds and I consider that a real victory!

There is so much more I want to write about, but I can see this post is already quite long so I’ll get to the other stuff in my next entry :) I’ve not had the best track record with keeping up a blog in the past, but I feel like I really have a chance to get my life back now and I want to try and document it if I can :P