Panic attacks, quitting smoking, and more!

Two nights ago I sat crying on my bed for 30 mins doing nothing but trying to keep myself from going to McDonald's and stuffing myself so when I broke my quit that cig would just taste heavenly. Looking back at how much I desperately wanted to give up I am honestly surprised I managed not to smoke. The last few years I haven't exercised a lot of will power and have developed habits of just giving in to temptation instead of denying myself. I honestly was proud of myself two night ago and I think it might have been one of the hardest (willpower related) things I've done in years.

I have been smoking since I was 20 (I'm 28 now) and I've tried quitting twice before, both times only lasted about a month. I thought this time I'd need to carefully plan my quit, maybe try chantrix or wellbutrin to help, but it just sort of happened before I thought I was ready.

I had a panic attack for the first time in my life 2 weeks prior and have had some minor attacks since. I'm also on other meds that I know could have contributed to it, but there is no denying that smoking raised my heart rate and made me feel like I couldn't take deep breaths. I had to make a decision between smoking and staying on this other med that has been helping me lose weight and get my life back in order. Even if the healthiest choice is to stop both, at least stopping smoking for now is a major improvement and I think the best possible decision I could make for myself.

So in a nutshell that's where I am :P 5 days into my quit and I keep randomly forgetting that I've quit. Sometimes I'll be heading to my car and get excited because my brain is expecting a cig, then I realize (with much sadness) that nope, I'm not smoking anymore. Or I'll be finishing a meal and feeling excited, and I'm not totally sure why until i realized my brain is anticipating a cig. It's happened quite a few times and honestly its one of the worst parts for me.

But this time around I've had one major paradigm shift.. and that is instead of just feeling sad and upset that I can't smoke.. I'm actually mad. I'm damn mad that I got so addicted to this stupid drug and that it is causing me so much anguish now. I'm pissed that my addicted brain is still trying to convince me to start smoking again when its the SAME brain feeling all the painful urges! Nicotine did this to my brain and for the first time, I'm pissed at it and I refuse to let it take such hold of me again.