90 days! My journey so far

Well, 93 days to be precise :D  And wow, I really can't believe I've done it.

I started smoking in 2004 (when I was 20) and have tried to quit twice since.  Both times only lasted about a month before I gave in and started smoking again.  During my 2nd quit, I wanted to "change my life" so I decided to quit smoking, eat healthy, and work out all at the same time.  But about a month in when I started to slip on the eating and the working out followed suit, it wasn't long before I said to myself "Ah screw it, I'm failing at my diet and exercise, and not smoking is the hardest thing of all, why am I still trying to do that if I'm giving up on the rest??"  So of course with that mindset, smoking slowly crept back into my life.

Well this time it was different.  I was sick of smoking, I hated how enslaved I was to my cravings.  I was constantly embarrassed when I needed to smoke around non-smokers and I would avoid any activity or travel if I wasn't able to smoke.  I'm not sure how unique this was to smokers, but smoking was actually making me fatter!  I would chain smoke outside until I felt sick but then I would eat food so I could enjoy a cigarette again.  Which of course led me to chain smoke until I felt sick, then more food.  Quite a disgusting cycle, especially for someone who is already very overweight!

Needing those last few cigs before bed is part of the reason I had my very first panic attack last October.  And boy did that wake me up.  A few months prior I had sat with my Grandmother, who had smoked for 20 years, while she had a copd attack as she was trying to sleep.  We had to take her to the hospital.  She couldn't breathe and she was afraid she was going to die right then and there.  Seeing someone I loved so much go through something like that was a major turning point for me.  Months later, when I had my first panic attack and felt like I couldn't breathe, I had a terrifying glimpse into my future as a smoker.  It was the final piece in the puzzle.  I had to quit smoking, and I did.

Since then I've had some incredibly tough moments but also some of the happiest times of my entire life.  I wasn't sure I was going to make it in week one, but I stuck with it, trying to keep in mind all of the great advice and quotes I'd read on here.  I printed out a few posts that really resonated with me and kept them in my wallet so I could access them at any time.  I'd keep randomly getting excited throughout the day as my mind expected it was time for a cig, and then have this terrible let down when I remembered I'd quit.  Walking outside, heading to the car, finishing a meal, feeling bored.. all that and more would trigger this moment of excited expectation until the realization hit.  Boy that was a tough roller coaster of emotions.

In my early dreams I'd still be smoking cigarettes and would wake up longing for that false "freedom" I felt.  Later on in my dreams I would be halfway through a cig when I realized I had quit and I'd have this moment of shock and sadness at breaking it.  Then one day I had a dream where I said no to a cigarette because I had quit.  And even later I actually had a dream where not only had I quit, but I was helping someone else quit as well!

In the real world I found that, to my surprise, the post meal trigger was the first one to go.  I was afraid of coffee and driving for a while, but when I finally tried both, I was pleasantly surprised that the craving wasn't unmanageable.  I figured I'd spent 8 years reinforcing my association of smoking with pretty much everything that even when the actual physical addiction to nicotine was gone, it would take a while to "re-form" all those associations.  I know for me, altoids helped immensely though!  Every time I'd get a craving I'd pop a few altoids into my mouth.  Sometimes I could go through 2 full tins a day, and I would be eating them till my mouth was raw, but all of that didn't matter as long as I wasn't smoking!

Which brings me to the major decision that I made with this quit.  I gave myself a pass on everything else.  And by that I mean, I told myself it was okay if I ate terrible food, never worked out, stayed up all night.. basically did anything I wanted as long as I DID.  NOT.  SMOKE.  And for me, I think that made all the difference.  There was no other life change that I had tied into my quit.  There was nothing else I could struggle with, or give in to, that would have any effect on my decision to stay quit.  Not smoking became it's own section of my life that I was going to stay resolute in no matter what happened elsewhere.

Even though I hadn't worded it this way, in essence I had decided to stop being so hard on myself in every other area of my life as long as I didn't smoke.  I gave myself praise when I did something good, but didn't berate myself if I made a mistake.  I even remember this dream I had where, as dreams tend to do, out of nowhere I was puffing on a half finished cigarette which I quickly threw away shocked at how I'd broken my quit and smoked half a cig without even knowing!  But then, *in my dream* I told myself, "ok that sucks that you have to start the day count over, but don't be so hard on yourself, you had no idea you were smoking, you just now realized it and quickly threw it away.."  I mean IN A DREAM I actually had that mindset and was able to look at the problem in a healthy manner instead of getting angry and yelling at myself.  When I woke up I was so proud of my subconscious mind and how I'd handled that!

But that's not to say I didn't have my serious struggles.  I found out that more than any other trigger for me, anger was the scary one.  The closest I've come to smoking since I quit was during fights with my mother.  I have so much resentment and anger towards her that is mixed with such intense love and compassion that it can tear me up inside.  And I have a tendency to want to say really hurtful things to her when we are fighting even though I know I will regret it and apologize minutes after.

Absolutely nothing has tested me more than a fight with my mother and I've had to come up with other ways to cope since I quit smoking.  At first it was alcohol.  I rarely drink but early on it was the best thing I could come up with that calmed me down and kept me from smoking while also feeding that self-destructive streak I think a lot of smokers have and that is usually fed with cigarettes.

Now I know replacing smoking with alcohol as a way to deal with anger is a terrible idea, and I wanted to be careful that I didn't rely on it too often, but as part of my "free pass" approach, I didn't give myself crap about it at the time, and just made sure I didn't smoke.  Luckily I only used alcohol in that way a few times total, and have been working instead on stopping my anger before I get out of control or say something I'll regret.  This journey has shown me that I have a lot more anger in me than I used to think, and I need to find ways to control my emotions and outbursts instead of just medicating them after the fact.  So far deep breathing, listening to very loud angry music, crying, and exercise has helped lol.

Also, I have been really working on tapping into that immense pool of self control that I know must be inside me (and everyone who's quit an addiction) in order to grab hold of my emotions before they get too heated and steer them back into calmer territory.  I mean if I can say no to cigs when all hell is breaking loose in my head, then I can most certainly say no to anger.  Because I can honestly say, and I think a lot of you can agree.. nothing and I mean NOTHING has ever tested my resolve as much as some of my worst cigarette cravings.  And if I can conquer that, I can do absolutely anything.

So here we are.  93 days into my quit.  Two weeks ago I felt I was finally secure enough in my quit that I was ready to start adding other commitments to my life.  I committed to start working for my father's speaking business and about a week later I felt I was ready to add exercise as well.  Wow that felt good!  Getting on that elliptical I could actually feel the difference in my breathing.  I wasn't out of breath or needing to focus on breathing the whole time.  My body felt stronger and I wouldn't have even connected the two, but my toes weren't feeling tingly after 15 minutes because of what I think is better circulation now!

I've taken the same "pass" approach with my new workout commitment.  I don't care if I eat McDonald's 3x a day or get on that elliptical for 5 minutes or 30 mins as long as I get on there 5 times a week.  Just like with smoking, my goal isn't to be perfectly healthy right away.. it's simply to form healthy habits.  I know the results will come in time.  And wouldn't you know it, the days that I work out, I barely even want to eat McDonald's!

I still have cravings, and I still get angry and depressed and sad like I did when I was a smoker.  But what I *didn't* have as a smoker was moments of pure, uncontrollable happiness and pride when I think about the strength and discipline I've discovered within myself that I never knew I had, and how I've accomplished something that I never thought I could do.  Add to that the knowledge that you have quit something that was not only enslaving you daily, but killing you slowly - and you have some pretty powerful motivators to stay quit.  I know they are working for me :)


~Alexandra
93 Days quit, 1856 cigarettes not smoked, $511.50 and 14 days 4 hours of my life saved!