Well tonight was my first real breakdown since this whole thing started. I’ve had 2 shots of Ouzo earlier and just did a grueling elliptical workout (omg working out after drinking is NOT recommended!) so I’m pretty wiped out and I’ll keep this kinda short.
My mom and I got into a pretty major fight right before we were leaving for the Greek festival. She let the dogs get past her onto the front patio like she usually does, and something just snapped in me. I was so upset that after making us wait for literally 40 mins while she got ready she would make this mistake again and cause even more work before we could get going (my dad had already started walking towards the freeway about 40 mins prior) I finally managed to get Cheeto from the patio and all of a sudden the other dogs come running out, she hadn’t shut the door properly. When I called out to her she just made some immature remark that she usually does when she’s uncomfortable and doesn’t want to deal with an issue and that just really set me off for good. I felt such rage and hatred for her I could barely contain it. I freely admit some very vile insults came out of my mouth, and it felt like I was trying to hurt and poison her as badly as possible. I swore a lot, I know that.
It was a very crazy feeling, it was like as many mean and hurtful things as I was yelling, it didn’t even feel like enough.. “YOU ARE SO FKING STUPID I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU EVEN FUNCTION” That might have been a mild example. So after a minute or so of my berating, she completely snapped as well and started screaming back at me that I would not talk to her like that and she wouldn’t allow it, and she wouldn’t take it etc. She was screaming so hard I honestly thought she was going to pop a blood vessel/have a stroke. (Heres something sick.. even when I hate her so deeply I worry about her health… how fucked up) Once I heard her screaming at that level, and could tell she was just losing it herself, I tried to calm her down and get her to stop screaming (being worried about her health again.. sigh)
Ok I’m taking too long.. basically we got in a major fight including when I made another comment once we were in the car she stopped the car and told me to get out.. when I said she should just get out because she was the crazy one.. she did. I had to hold down the car horn to get her to come back to the car (FUN FACT: my mom worries about “what the neighbors will think”) because I knew if she didn’t go it was a total waste and my dad would be very upset. By this point I could tell by her face she was very very hurt. I knew my words had affected her, and of course I felt kind of bad. Problem is, as I’m coming to accept, I have such a deep seeded resentment of her that I can no longer hold it in, its spilling out the top.
We picked up my dad, went to the greek festival, I had my 2 shots of ouzo and felt buzzed for sure but the whole time I just felt terrible, out of place, like I didn’t belong. I remember hearing stories of teens that have committed suicide talking about feeling like aliens, like no one understood them and like they didn’t belong (don’t worry I’m not suicidal). I left early so I could be alone and waited in the car, this is when I finally let the emotions out. I cried for my mom, I cried for myself, I cried for all the years I’ve wasted being fat and alone in my room. God I did a lot of crying. I cried for how hard it is to stop smoking, and how my old life of fast food and cigs was so much easier. I cried because I realized if I ever gave up and went back to that life, there would be no hope for me.
I thought that I was this intensely strong person that had just been hidden for years. I had chosen the easy route and had gotten used to it so I forgot just what kind of amazing things I’m capable if I set my mind to it. Well tonight was the first night I doubted myself. I thought, maybe I’m not really some hidden strong person.. maybe I’m someone that suffers from depression that was only doing better lately because I didn’t have any responsibilities and had cigarettes and food to comfort me. Now that I’ve taken away my coping mechanisms I don’t know how to deal with upsetting situations. If what happened today, had happened a few months ago I would have told my mom to go without me, and sat home crying, eating, and chain smoking to deal with the pain.
Today I don’t have that choice. When I get upset or stressed I can’t turn to food like I’ve done my whole life, and I can’t turn to cigs. I know that actually seems like a good thing lol. In fact I did do 30 mins on the elliptical when I got home at lvl 7 (which is higher than I normally do it and was VERY tiring.. but I’m sure the booze had something to do with that!).
Now that I’m coming out of that depressive episode I had a few hours ago, I can look at it and I guess I didn’t do so badly. I didn’t give in and smoke, and I actually did the elliptical when I got home even though I wanted to lay down and watch tv. But that doesn’t change the fact that I realize now I have some very intense issues that I need to work on. Something is changing in me and because I can no longer ignore my problems or push them away, more and more I’m confronting this intense anger towards my mother.
My dad mad an interesting point that of my entire family lately I attack my mother the most but I also defend her the most which is completely true. It is also extremely exhausting mentally. When my dad was throwing half our kitchen away last weekend I was at my mothers side the entire time trying to calm her down and keep her from completely losing it. What was so difficult was that I completely agreed with what my father was doing and I wished I could have just jumped in with him, but I couldn’t because my mother was so weak and fragile that day and she needed someone to help her.
Even right now, I see my mom limping in the hallway because her hip is so bad, and I feel such intense sadness for her and so guilty for insulting her earlier. But within seconds of feeling that, the anger, hatred, and resentment comes right back up. God I just can’t stand it. Part of me wants to harden myself.. find some way of not caring.. but I know that isn’t the answer. I wish I could have had a cigarette while I wrote this, but I didn’t and I got through it anyway I guess. Thats one more day down without smoking. I think I’m going to go to a Nicotine Anonymous meeting on Monday.. since quitting WoW as well I’ve been yearning for a community. Alright this definitely didn’t end up being short, and I think its bedtime.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Almost 3 weeks
Its now been almost 3 weeks since I quit smoking. The last few days have been very hard for me. I truly don’t think I’m craving the nicotine anymore, its just the psychological habit that I need to work through. I’m afraid that I’ve been too easy on myself for years now, and my mind is soft so to speak. Quitting smoking is not going to be easy, and I know that scares me, and it makes me want to give up. I kind of hate that about myself. I’m not sure if I always was like this, I’d hope not.
One of my recent realizations was that if I go back to smoking after what has happened, I’m not sure I’ll ever really be able to quit. I’ve always said I would never smoke if I was pregnant or had children, and I still believe that.. but how much more damage would I do to my body if I kept smoking for another 5-10 years? I’m honest enough with myself to admit that I smoked because I just didn’t care about my future. It was the same reason I’ve gotten so fat the last few years. I just gave up and was slowly (or maybe not so slowly) eating and smoking myself to death. Thats kind of heavy to think about, but I truly couldn’t focus on anything bigger than the upcoming week. The fact that this ridiculous habit could kill me didn’t change one thing. I didn’t mind getting so fat because I never left my house. Sure the occasional time that I did go out, I felt terrible and so embarrassed I could barely stand it, but 90% of the time I was safe in my house.
Well its been 3 weeks and I can’t say that I all of a sudden have a life goal, or something amazing to live for, but I do know I’ve not smoked for 3 weeks and I also know I’ve been exercising daily and eating healthy foods. I can’t quit now, even if it seems so easy and appealing. Everything aligned for me and I started a very important journey 3 weeks ago, and if I give up now and give in to my temptations and weakness I’m not sure I’ll ever quit smoking/get healthy.
I have so many bad habits and weak thoughts that have built up over the years and I know this will be a struggle, but I’ve spent too much time taking the easy route and its done nothing to better my life. I do have hope though. I know I am still young and it is not too late to change, I have so much time ahead of me and I need to remember that the journey is just as important as the destination.
One of my recent realizations was that if I go back to smoking after what has happened, I’m not sure I’ll ever really be able to quit. I’ve always said I would never smoke if I was pregnant or had children, and I still believe that.. but how much more damage would I do to my body if I kept smoking for another 5-10 years? I’m honest enough with myself to admit that I smoked because I just didn’t care about my future. It was the same reason I’ve gotten so fat the last few years. I just gave up and was slowly (or maybe not so slowly) eating and smoking myself to death. Thats kind of heavy to think about, but I truly couldn’t focus on anything bigger than the upcoming week. The fact that this ridiculous habit could kill me didn’t change one thing. I didn’t mind getting so fat because I never left my house. Sure the occasional time that I did go out, I felt terrible and so embarrassed I could barely stand it, but 90% of the time I was safe in my house.
Well its been 3 weeks and I can’t say that I all of a sudden have a life goal, or something amazing to live for, but I do know I’ve not smoked for 3 weeks and I also know I’ve been exercising daily and eating healthy foods. I can’t quit now, even if it seems so easy and appealing. Everything aligned for me and I started a very important journey 3 weeks ago, and if I give up now and give in to my temptations and weakness I’m not sure I’ll ever quit smoking/get healthy.
I have so many bad habits and weak thoughts that have built up over the years and I know this will be a struggle, but I’ve spent too much time taking the easy route and its done nothing to better my life. I do have hope though. I know I am still young and it is not too late to change, I have so much time ahead of me and I need to remember that the journey is just as important as the destination.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The Beginning
Something changed in me 2 weeks ago and I began what I now know will be an amazing journey. For my own recollection and for anyone that might ever read this, let me describe the events leading up to “D-Day.”
I had the worst headache of my life and it lasted 7 days. For a few of those days I was lucky enough to get some Vicodin to help with the pain, and because of that I smoked like a chimney and was able to watch the T.V. show Dexter. I had heard from a few different people that I would really love the show and while I was 4 years late to the premiere, I devoured seasons 1-4 in a Vicodin-induced happy haze. The end of my mysterious headache directly coincided with the end of season 4 and the moment they were done I was in a full blown obsession with Dexter.
What came along with this obsession was a sad realization that the man I wanted would never want me if I was a fat smoker. It resonated in me so clearly the urge to eat or smoke at all completely disappeared. I was filled with such deep sadness at who I was, and what I’d let myself become, that I was sure I would just waste away from 345 lbs down to 80 lbs before I ever wanted food again. Well that didn’t turn out to be completely true, but something did stick with me, and in a newer, calmer, more at peace way than I’ve ever felt before.
I admit right now my initial motivation for changing my life wasn’t the best, or the most mentally stable, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. And thats what I still kind of believe this all is, some divine gift from above. My father thinks I need to take credit for making the change and setting the foundation for that crazy revelation moment I had 2 weeks ago, and not act like it was out of my control and was some kind of gift. I can see what he is saying, and I understand the psychological power that would come with believing I did it for myself vs receiving it as a gift, but I just can’t shake how radically this happened and how my once weak, excuse riddled mind became a rock-solid muscle of determination overnight.
The first 5 days were the easiest by far. I had no urge to smoke and barely cared about food. Part of my new routine was working out on the elliptical for at least 30 mins and I found this extremely rewarding as well. The only downside was that I was crying all the time. Every time I would get close to thinking about what I was doing, and why, the tears would simply pour. Part of me thinks it was PMS or maybe a depressive episode, but I can entertain the idea that it could also have been me finally acknowledging myself after many years in the dark. The crazy thing is I’ve been on anti-depressants for almost 8 years and I finally stopped taking them this January and all this has happened.
So to catch up to where I am now, it has been 14 days since I stopped smoking and started my healthy lifestyle. The past 14 days I have worked out and showered, eaten only healthy foods, and not smoked a single cigarette! I know this time is different and I know my life has just changed because I can feel it so confidently. I am not questioning myself on whether this will last or if I’ll just give up and gain weight. I know I am going to eat healthy and work out as confidently as I know the Earth orbits the Sun. It’s such a different feeling than I am used to, it takes out so much of the worry and guesswork to just “know” instead of hope.
Right now, I’d say the cigarettes have been, and are, the biggest challenge for me. I am lucky that I am trying to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time because the biggest craving I get for a cigarette is after a big meal, and so I’ve been trying not too eat too much food at one time, or even at all, so I don’t get that craving. That is having a really nice effect on my calorie intake and I can barely believe how little I actually eat when I don’t need to stuff my face so I’ll enjoy a cigarette more. If a craving gets really bad I just try to remember that whether or not I give in and smoke a cigarette, the craving will be gone in 20 mins and if I can hold out I’ll feel amazing. Its worked at least once :)
I need to remember to take my before picture. As much as I don’t want to remember how I look now, I’m sure I’ll appreciate being able to see the full transformation one day. Also if you’re looking for an amazing song check out Ain’t No Reason by Brett Dennen.. thats kinda random but it’s worth it. Oh man, this has turned into a bit more of an essay than a blog entry but I guess thats what you get when you have way to much to say! I’m sorry about that, hopefully my next entry won’t be so long.
I had the worst headache of my life and it lasted 7 days. For a few of those days I was lucky enough to get some Vicodin to help with the pain, and because of that I smoked like a chimney and was able to watch the T.V. show Dexter. I had heard from a few different people that I would really love the show and while I was 4 years late to the premiere, I devoured seasons 1-4 in a Vicodin-induced happy haze. The end of my mysterious headache directly coincided with the end of season 4 and the moment they were done I was in a full blown obsession with Dexter.
What came along with this obsession was a sad realization that the man I wanted would never want me if I was a fat smoker. It resonated in me so clearly the urge to eat or smoke at all completely disappeared. I was filled with such deep sadness at who I was, and what I’d let myself become, that I was sure I would just waste away from 345 lbs down to 80 lbs before I ever wanted food again. Well that didn’t turn out to be completely true, but something did stick with me, and in a newer, calmer, more at peace way than I’ve ever felt before.
I admit right now my initial motivation for changing my life wasn’t the best, or the most mentally stable, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. And thats what I still kind of believe this all is, some divine gift from above. My father thinks I need to take credit for making the change and setting the foundation for that crazy revelation moment I had 2 weeks ago, and not act like it was out of my control and was some kind of gift. I can see what he is saying, and I understand the psychological power that would come with believing I did it for myself vs receiving it as a gift, but I just can’t shake how radically this happened and how my once weak, excuse riddled mind became a rock-solid muscle of determination overnight.
The first 5 days were the easiest by far. I had no urge to smoke and barely cared about food. Part of my new routine was working out on the elliptical for at least 30 mins and I found this extremely rewarding as well. The only downside was that I was crying all the time. Every time I would get close to thinking about what I was doing, and why, the tears would simply pour. Part of me thinks it was PMS or maybe a depressive episode, but I can entertain the idea that it could also have been me finally acknowledging myself after many years in the dark. The crazy thing is I’ve been on anti-depressants for almost 8 years and I finally stopped taking them this January and all this has happened.
So to catch up to where I am now, it has been 14 days since I stopped smoking and started my healthy lifestyle. The past 14 days I have worked out and showered, eaten only healthy foods, and not smoked a single cigarette! I know this time is different and I know my life has just changed because I can feel it so confidently. I am not questioning myself on whether this will last or if I’ll just give up and gain weight. I know I am going to eat healthy and work out as confidently as I know the Earth orbits the Sun. It’s such a different feeling than I am used to, it takes out so much of the worry and guesswork to just “know” instead of hope.
Right now, I’d say the cigarettes have been, and are, the biggest challenge for me. I am lucky that I am trying to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time because the biggest craving I get for a cigarette is after a big meal, and so I’ve been trying not too eat too much food at one time, or even at all, so I don’t get that craving. That is having a really nice effect on my calorie intake and I can barely believe how little I actually eat when I don’t need to stuff my face so I’ll enjoy a cigarette more. If a craving gets really bad I just try to remember that whether or not I give in and smoke a cigarette, the craving will be gone in 20 mins and if I can hold out I’ll feel amazing. Its worked at least once :)
I need to remember to take my before picture. As much as I don’t want to remember how I look now, I’m sure I’ll appreciate being able to see the full transformation one day. Also if you’re looking for an amazing song check out Ain’t No Reason by Brett Dennen.. thats kinda random but it’s worth it. Oh man, this has turned into a bit more of an essay than a blog entry but I guess thats what you get when you have way to much to say! I’m sorry about that, hopefully my next entry won’t be so long.
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