Well tonight was my first real breakdown since this whole thing started. I’ve had 2 shots of Ouzo earlier and just did a grueling elliptical workout (omg working out after drinking is NOT recommended!) so I’m pretty wiped out and I’ll keep this kinda short.
My mom and I got into a pretty major fight right before we were leaving for the Greek festival. She let the dogs get past her onto the front patio like she usually does, and something just snapped in me. I was so upset that after making us wait for literally 40 mins while she got ready she would make this mistake again and cause even more work before we could get going (my dad had already started walking towards the freeway about 40 mins prior) I finally managed to get Cheeto from the patio and all of a sudden the other dogs come running out, she hadn’t shut the door properly. When I called out to her she just made some immature remark that she usually does when she’s uncomfortable and doesn’t want to deal with an issue and that just really set me off for good. I felt such rage and hatred for her I could barely contain it. I freely admit some very vile insults came out of my mouth, and it felt like I was trying to hurt and poison her as badly as possible. I swore a lot, I know that.
It was a very crazy feeling, it was like as many mean and hurtful things as I was yelling, it didn’t even feel like enough.. “YOU ARE SO FKING STUPID I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU EVEN FUNCTION” That might have been a mild example. So after a minute or so of my berating, she completely snapped as well and started screaming back at me that I would not talk to her like that and she wouldn’t allow it, and she wouldn’t take it etc. She was screaming so hard I honestly thought she was going to pop a blood vessel/have a stroke. (Heres something sick.. even when I hate her so deeply I worry about her health… how fucked up) Once I heard her screaming at that level, and could tell she was just losing it herself, I tried to calm her down and get her to stop screaming (being worried about her health again.. sigh)
Ok I’m taking too long.. basically we got in a major fight including when I made another comment once we were in the car she stopped the car and told me to get out.. when I said she should just get out because she was the crazy one.. she did. I had to hold down the car horn to get her to come back to the car (FUN FACT: my mom worries about “what the neighbors will think”) because I knew if she didn’t go it was a total waste and my dad would be very upset. By this point I could tell by her face she was very very hurt. I knew my words had affected her, and of course I felt kind of bad. Problem is, as I’m coming to accept, I have such a deep seeded resentment of her that I can no longer hold it in, its spilling out the top.
We picked up my dad, went to the greek festival, I had my 2 shots of ouzo and felt buzzed for sure but the whole time I just felt terrible, out of place, like I didn’t belong. I remember hearing stories of teens that have committed suicide talking about feeling like aliens, like no one understood them and like they didn’t belong (don’t worry I’m not suicidal). I left early so I could be alone and waited in the car, this is when I finally let the emotions out. I cried for my mom, I cried for myself, I cried for all the years I’ve wasted being fat and alone in my room. God I did a lot of crying. I cried for how hard it is to stop smoking, and how my old life of fast food and cigs was so much easier. I cried because I realized if I ever gave up and went back to that life, there would be no hope for me.
I thought that I was this intensely strong person that had just been hidden for years. I had chosen the easy route and had gotten used to it so I forgot just what kind of amazing things I’m capable if I set my mind to it. Well tonight was the first night I doubted myself. I thought, maybe I’m not really some hidden strong person.. maybe I’m someone that suffers from depression that was only doing better lately because I didn’t have any responsibilities and had cigarettes and food to comfort me. Now that I’ve taken away my coping mechanisms I don’t know how to deal with upsetting situations. If what happened today, had happened a few months ago I would have told my mom to go without me, and sat home crying, eating, and chain smoking to deal with the pain.
Today I don’t have that choice. When I get upset or stressed I can’t turn to food like I’ve done my whole life, and I can’t turn to cigs. I know that actually seems like a good thing lol. In fact I did do 30 mins on the elliptical when I got home at lvl 7 (which is higher than I normally do it and was VERY tiring.. but I’m sure the booze had something to do with that!).
Now that I’m coming out of that depressive episode I had a few hours ago, I can look at it and I guess I didn’t do so badly. I didn’t give in and smoke, and I actually did the elliptical when I got home even though I wanted to lay down and watch tv. But that doesn’t change the fact that I realize now I have some very intense issues that I need to work on. Something is changing in me and because I can no longer ignore my problems or push them away, more and more I’m confronting this intense anger towards my mother.
My dad mad an interesting point that of my entire family lately I attack my mother the most but I also defend her the most which is completely true. It is also extremely exhausting mentally. When my dad was throwing half our kitchen away last weekend I was at my mothers side the entire time trying to calm her down and keep her from completely losing it. What was so difficult was that I completely agreed with what my father was doing and I wished I could have just jumped in with him, but I couldn’t because my mother was so weak and fragile that day and she needed someone to help her.
Even right now, I see my mom limping in the hallway because her hip is so bad, and I feel such intense sadness for her and so guilty for insulting her earlier. But within seconds of feeling that, the anger, hatred, and resentment comes right back up. God I just can’t stand it. Part of me wants to harden myself.. find some way of not caring.. but I know that isn’t the answer. I wish I could have had a cigarette while I wrote this, but I didn’t and I got through it anyway I guess. Thats one more day down without smoking. I think I’m going to go to a Nicotine Anonymous meeting on Monday.. since quitting WoW as well I’ve been yearning for a community. Alright this definitely didn’t end up being short, and I think its bedtime.
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