The Beginning

Something changed in me 2 weeks ago and I began what I now know will be an amazing journey. For my own recollection and for anyone that might ever read this, let me describe the events leading up to “D-Day.”

I had the worst headache of my life and it lasted 7 days. For a few of those days I was lucky enough to get some Vicodin to help with the pain, and because of that I smoked like a chimney and was able to watch the T.V. show Dexter. I had heard from a few different people that I would really love the show and while I was 4 years late to the premiere, I devoured seasons 1-4 in a Vicodin-induced happy haze. The end of my mysterious headache directly coincided with the end of season 4 and the moment they were done I was in a full blown obsession with Dexter.

What came along with this obsession was a sad realization that the man I wanted would never want me if I was a fat smoker. It resonated in me so clearly the urge to eat or smoke at all completely disappeared. I was filled with such deep sadness at who I was, and what I’d let myself become, that I was sure I would just waste away from 345 lbs down to 80 lbs before I ever wanted food again. Well that didn’t turn out to be completely true, but something did stick with me, and in a newer, calmer, more at peace way than I’ve ever felt before.

I admit right now my initial motivation for changing my life wasn’t the best, or the most mentally stable, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. And thats what I still kind of believe this all is, some divine gift from above. My father thinks I need to take credit for making the change and setting the foundation for that crazy revelation moment I had 2 weeks ago, and not act like it was out of my control and was some kind of gift. I can see what he is saying, and I understand the psychological power that would come with believing I did it for myself vs receiving it as a gift, but I just can’t shake how radically this happened and how my once weak, excuse riddled mind became a rock-solid muscle of determination overnight.

The first 5 days were the easiest by far. I had no urge to smoke and barely cared about food. Part of my new routine was working out on the elliptical for at least 30 mins and I found this extremely rewarding as well. The only downside was that I was crying all the time. Every time I would get close to thinking about what I was doing, and why, the tears would simply pour. Part of me thinks it was PMS or maybe a depressive episode, but I can entertain the idea that it could also have been me finally acknowledging myself after many years in the dark. The crazy thing is I’ve been on anti-depressants for almost 8 years and I finally stopped taking them this January and all this has happened.

So to catch up to where I am now, it has been 14 days since I stopped smoking and started my healthy lifestyle. The past 14 days I have worked out and showered, eaten only healthy foods, and not smoked a single cigarette! I know this time is different and I know my life has just changed because I can feel it so confidently. I am not questioning myself on whether this will last or if I’ll just give up and gain weight. I know I am going to eat healthy and work out as confidently as I know the Earth orbits the Sun. It’s such a different feeling than I am used to, it takes out so much of the worry and guesswork to just “know” instead of hope.

Right now, I’d say the cigarettes have been, and are, the biggest challenge for me. I am lucky that I am trying to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time because the biggest craving I get for a cigarette is after a big meal, and so I’ve been trying not too eat too much food at one time, or even at all, so I don’t get that craving. That is having a really nice effect on my calorie intake and I can barely believe how little I actually eat when I don’t need to stuff my face so I’ll enjoy a cigarette more. If a craving gets really bad I just try to remember that whether or not I give in and smoke a cigarette, the craving will be gone in 20 mins and if I can hold out I’ll feel amazing. Its worked at least once :)

I need to remember to take my before picture. As much as I don’t want to remember how I look now, I’m sure I’ll appreciate being able to see the full transformation one day. Also if you’re looking for an amazing song check out Ain’t No Reason by Brett Dennen.. thats kinda random but it’s worth it. Oh man, this has turned into a bit more of an essay than a blog entry but I guess thats what you get when you have way to much to say! I’m sorry about that, hopefully my next entry won’t be so long.