More ups and downs, making progress though

So it's been about 2 weeks since my last update.  Funny it felt longer to me.  I guess I'm still not that disciplined with blogging because I seem to only come here when I'm really happy or really upset.  And tonight unfortunately, I'm the latter.

I sometimes wonder why I write my thoughts down here instead of a private word document.  I've never told anyone about this, and sometimes I even end up censoring myself somewhat because I know it's public.. so what's the point?  To be honest I'm not sure.  I guess there is a part of me that thinks maybe someone might come across this and get something from it, and if even one person reads a post and identifies with it, and it can help them in a tough spot, then it's worth it.  But maybe that's just narcissistic.

I'll just move into tonight.  For the first time since January we ordered pizza tonight.  A bit of quick back story for the future me (and that one person that might come across this blog) - the past few weeks I've been really struggling with my schedule.  I've been going to bed so late, sometimes as late as 10am, and 2 days ago I actually stayed up the entire night and the rest of the next day (although no one knew).  I have been playing WoW, that fucking soul vampire that I can't seem to stop.  I haven't even been getting a lot of pleasure from it lately, just momentary entertainment that seems to last hours on end.  But as soon as I log off I feel like a piece of shit for wasting my entire night doing something so meaningless.

I've still not smoked, and I even broke under 300 lbs a week ago, so in those areas I'm proud of myself - but the sabotage remains.  After waking up at 6pm today, I wanted pizza.  We're really low on groceries and I haven't gone to get any for at least a month (bad sign I know).  Well I ordered it, and was so proud of myself for deciding to workout before it arrived.  Everything was going well I thought, did my workout, had a great talk with dad, go out to get the pizza and have a nice conversation with the delivery guy.. but then I come inside to the kitchen and it all falls apart.

I see my mom is cooking something on the stove.  I wonder why she is cooking when she knows we have pizza arriving and then I see that it is steaks.  Not just any steaks, but old, expired, fucking DISGUSTING steaks.  She keeps them in our freezer way past their due date (I'm talking over 6 months past) and then cooks them for our dogs.  Well you know, I don't like one fucking part of that.  We love our dogs but lately I've been trying to avoid feeding them human food because I know it's not good.  But not only is she feeding them human food, but it's expired human food.

And if that wasn't enough, she's doing it right as our god damn motherfucking pizza is arriving.  Pizza that is the most calorie-rich and craving inducing food that we've eaten since January!  We're literally splurging on this meal and she picks that time to cook these disgusting, foul-smelling steaks in our kitchen.  I immediately felt myself losing control.  In a flash of emotions I thought how gross it smelled in there, and how I was about to eat some pizza I'd been craving for over an hour, and that smell was ruining it.. and how I shouldn't even be eating that pizza anyway, but I was going to give in tonight, but that fucking smell.. and WHY, why would she cook that shit now?

I think the fact that deep down I was upset that I ordered pizza, and I knew it wasn't good to eat, made me more upset than I should have been.  And she didn't know this so I understand my reaction would have seemed way overboard.  But there was so much more.  She hasn't cooked US a meal in who knows how long.. but she cooks expired human meat for the dogs every week or so.  And I know if we didn't have dogs, she'd just cook that shit for herself.  Her father was so fucked up about wasting food that he'd eat food out of the trash that had gone bad.. and she got a lot of that.

I was upset, I started tearing up.. I hated that I was so weak and couldn't control my tears.. and I said she must be ignorant because "how can you not know how disgusting this is, and how much I hate when you do this" and "how can you choose this time to cook that meat when you know I hate expired food".  And I'm not kidding about that.. I don't think she is malicious, but I do think she has a lot of resentment.  We cleaned out this house a few years ago while she was away (she's a serious hoarder) and she's told us she still can't think about it, and holds resentment.  Not "wow I can't imagine how hard it was for you guys to fill up 3 30' dumpsters of shit from this house" or "god all the shit you guys had to do, for 2 weeks straight, I couldn't do it and you had to live in this disgusting house for years, I'm sorry"... Nope.. just can't talk about it, and resentment.  You wonder why I have so much pent up anger towards her.

Anyway, instead of raging, I turned my anger at the food.  I opened the freezer and in a fit I started pulling out all the expired meat she had been keeping in there for years.  Of course, like nothing else, this got her all upset.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more important than her FUCKING STUFF.  Fucking hoarder.  Well she was asking my dad for help, and saying how I needed to move out because she couldn't do this anymore.  That's a fucking joke.. like I'm the one causing all the problems in the house.  We are all self-medicating because of HER.  I felt bad for my dad because he didn't need that shit.  But she was right about one thing -  I need to move out.

I don't have much money, and I work for my dad, so I know I'd need to find another job first, and save up enough money for at least 6 months rent before I can consider moving.  So I don't know what the next step is.  I'm working on a big project with my dad that I can't drop, so I guess I have to finish this, then I can start looking for another job.  And of course then I have to save up for a while before I can move out.  Of course there is always some kind of overseas option.  Maybe I can just try something completely radical.  And that appeals to me, but the idea of maybe sharing an apartment with my sister is really appealing too.  But maybe that's not a good idea, I just don't know.

Here's what I do know.  I got pissed off tonight, I had a meltdown in a sense (at least in my head).  But I didn't break anything, I didn't even consider smoking or going to McDonalds (fuck em).. I did have a oj vodka mixed drink which I guess isn't so terrible.  But I came in my room, cried, listened to music, and actually did some workouts to tire myself.  In terms of what I did when I came into my room, I give myself an A+.  I couldn't be happier at how I handled all those emotions in a pretty healthy way.  My next goal though is to be able to retreat to my room before I lose it with my mom.  Maybe it's not so bad that I stay here longer because I've obviously not mastered that part.

Another long post, another crazy night.  I'm gonna stop for now,

Alex

In the middle

I'm kind of having a rough week.  I'm starting to realize that the type of amazing motivation and productivity I got from adderall isn't coming back unless I up my dose, and I don't really want to do that.  And boy do I miss that motivation.  I'm still very thankful for the time I had it, and I think it was an amazing tool to help me get my engine started in the terrible rusty shape it was in before.  But I don't really like that I'm taking this drug.  I don't like worrying about my heart rate or thinking I could have a heart attack if I work out too hard.  I mean that sucks, it really sucks.

I lost a lot of weight at the start but I've been disappointed at the rate I've been losing since I started working out in late January.  I thought if I was losing weight just by eating less, if I cut out fast food, any drink but water, and actually exercised then the weight would just have to fly off!  But it actually seemed to be slower?  I'm definitely still losing, but I dunno, I guess my expectations were too high.

Which brings my back to the adderall.  I've read my fair share of stories where they say how adderall ruined their life, and how they wish they'd never started.  Well I don't really feel that.  Maybe it's because I haven't tried to quit yet, or maybe it was because I honestly tried my hardest not to abuse it.  I was extra careful about only taking my normal dose, not increasing it for extra effects etc, and I always took 2 days off every 7-9 days.  But even so, the doses haven't felt as potent lately.  And that's not surprising.  Of course that's how tolerance works.  But it's sad nonetheless.  

I'm not sure that I've done enough of what I wanted to get accomplished with it.  I've done some great stuff and I don't want to discount that.  I lost 65 lbs, I quit smoking, I started a habit of working out that has proven to be stronger than my urge to be lazy.  I quit gaming and started working for my Dad.  I still felt depression sometimes though.  Especially in the past month or two, which I think was to be expected as the dosage wasn't as effective and I'm coming to the end of the period where my previous accomplishments are enough to sustain me.  I need some new ones.

I started Wellbutrin 11 days ago.  I wanted to try it because I've tried Zoloft and Celexa before, and I read that in some cases, people found the Wellbutrin helped soften some of the adderall personality and social harshness.  I also thought it would be a good choice for me as an anti-depressant and slight stimulant once I stopped taking adderall.  I've definitely noticed it help soften my "get work done" attitude I've developed, but I also had a really bad night 2 days ago when I had almost 3 margaritas and ended up with this intense anger episode I had read could be an early side effect.  I don't want to get into that now, but it wasn't great.

Up until the last 2 days or so I had felt like the Wellbutrin had really helped with my moods, and made me more social and interested in doing things with others, but there was no question that it muted the adderall effects.  But that's not a reason to stop it because really the adderall was losing effectiveness anyway, and Wellbutrin could really help with my depression and even help me stay away from cigs.  Tonight I'm feeling pretty melancholy and I had that anger outburst 2 nights ago, so really it's not being so great lately.  But I'm going to keep taking it and give it a proper chance.

Another incredibly long post and the sadness is making me tired so I'm gonna go.  I'll end on a good note though, I'm so close to breaking under the 300 lb mark, I still have to work on my discipline because I had a bad night with chips a day after weight in at the lowest weight in years, so I'm not home free.  But also 2 days ago was my 150th day/5 month anniversary since I quit smoking.  So hell ya that feels great :)  I still get cravings randomly, or encounter a situation where I remember I used to love smoking in, but there's also a lot of times (and I really try to make a mental note of them) where I'm so happy I'm not a smoker.  When I see someone leaving a bar to smoke, or thinking about having to go outside late and night in the cold to get my last cig before bed, or when I kiss my dogs or they lick my hand and I don't have to feel bad about the smell.  

So.. congrats to me, really awesome job with smoking, I honestly couldn't be prouder <3 div="">

Oh, Industry

Don't judge that title, just came to me so I wrote it down.  I'm in that kind of mood.  Just got off the phone with my sister and had, well, a pretty upsetting talk.  I can see her slipping away.  Or rather, I can see the distance between us growing.  She isn't really going down any bad paths, well maybe somewhat but that is just a matter of opinion.  But something has changed, is changing.  It hurts me so much to think of not being close with her anymore.  It literally tears me up inside when I imagine us 10 years from now, barely in each others lives, only talking on major holidays or life events.  But maybe that is the way it goes with all siblings.  Getting married, having kids, of course that will add new priorities and amazing loves to our lives.  And she's not done any of that yet but even so I feel things are changing.

And it's about goddamn money.  That motherfucking green devil that ruins so many relationships.  Makes me want to join a hippie commune.  But she is right in some ways.  I do need to get a job that is independent of Dad.  I know I need it.  I just really don't feel like I'm doing something wrong in not jumping at the first opening I can get.  I'm still doing good things with my life right now, I'm still helping Dad's business, working for him, exercising, eating better.. ah fuck I'm so sick of listing the damn things I'm doing right!!  I'm just sick of explaining myself to people!  I know what I'm doing why do I have to keep repeating it!  Why do I feel like I have to keep validating my choices lately?  Jesus it felt like my sister was more accepting of me when I played games all night, slept all day, and ate fast food while smoking cigs in between.  Why NOW is she giving me all this shit about my productivity?

I don't want to speak too soon, but I really felt something break off tonight.  Not a major piece, but a piece nonetheless.  Just like she is separating herself from us because she wants to avoid the guilt and hurt she feels, I need to separate myself from her for similar reasons.  I can't keep expecting her to want to spend time with us or me.  I can't keep hoping that she'll finally be proud of how far I've come or how hard I'm working to improve myself.  I think it will happen one day, but until then I will feel so much disappointment  maybe it's smarter to back away now.  God that sucks to say or think about and I know a lot of it is just the hurt talking from tonight, but I'm not seeing it get any better.  In fact I'm almost positive it will get a lot worse before it gets any better.  Do I want to go on that dark ride?  Maybe not.

Ahhh this sucks and it is going to keep sucking and I just have to work through it.  I have to keep doing what I've been doing even when I want to give up.  I have to stop giving myself shit for how far behind in "life" I am because that will never solve anything.  I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and as long as I'm not taking the wrong path, I'll get to the right place eventually.

I have to believe this because I just can't afford to give up on myself again.  I can't go back there I know where it leads and it's not a happy place.  There is nothing that depresses me more right now than when I think about how much I really need to move out of my parents house, and then follow it with the realization of how sad it would be to leave my parents and dogs, and how scary it all is to think about.  Is all of this a mistake?  Am I agonizing about pulling off the band-aid when I should really just stop worrying and rip the damn thing off?  Would that be the answer?  Or would that open up a deadly wound that wasn't ready to be exposed?  Who even knows.

There is one thing I do know for sure though.  All of this depression makes me want to relapse.  That word in my context sounds so petty compared to what most people (including me) think when they hear it.  But it would mean disaster for me just as much as heroin would mean for a junkie.  Smoking, eating, going back to my zombie existence.  Man that sounds so fucking great right now, in a depressed-punishment way.  But I'm so thankful that, at least for now, I have even more negative memories of that life and all of those things I hated about being a smoker and a gamer and obese are enough to keep me straight.

And now I'm sick of talking about myself so that shall be it for tonight, good times.  PS and just for the record's sake because I know I love reading this years down the road, last night/today I made a decision to take adderall for what it is and stop expecting what it used to be.  If I don't get the same effect off of 20 that I used to, well too bad.  I don't want to increase my dose yet (as a hard rule I never want to need more than 30mg a dose - twice a day) and I also need to make sure I am replacing the hobbies I gave up with new ones so that I don't turn into some damn joyless cyborg, and a fat one at that.

Okay signing off for now,
Previously-happy-go-lucky-alex-now-greyed-yet-determined-to-be-better

Rough day

I'm always so frustratingly positive I thought I should show a side that comes up from time to time, also know as Mr. Fuck-My-Life.

Today has really been challenging.  I'm utterly frustrated with the people that I love the most in life.  I feel I have no ambition career wise and the job I was hoping to enjoy isn't working out.  I want to eat anything and everything I can put in my mouth which makes me think of smoking as that used to be my favorite thing to do after stuffing myself.

I've been working so hard to stay quit from cigs, lose weight, and eat healthy lately and today I just feel like giving up on all of it.  What really gets in my head in a sick way is when I think about how I have no ambition in life.  I can't imagine a career that appeals to me, I don't know where to start with jobs.  I've got some sick pride in that I would feel embarrassed doing certain jobs because of how much potential I used to have and all the money and time I spent in school/college.

Sometimes, like today, I just want to give up on all of it.  My future, my quitting cigs, my journey to better myself.  I am not thinking of suicide, but more of a slow death.  I feel like if I can't come up with any career that appeals to me, or any life goals, why not just eat whatever I want, smoke all day every day, and just get so unhealthy that I die by 40.

I mean normally that sounds terrible, what about your kids, your husband, your life??  But what if I don't have that.. what am I really missing in the next 40 years?  Why not just give in to all of those nagging voices and addictions and indulge in everything I'm trying to avoid.

I'm not quite there yet, and I didn't give in and I didn't smoke.  But it was the closest  I've been to breaking my quit since the first week.  And I know this wasn't a cig craving, it was pure depression and my own weakness from years of giving in and eating/smoking whenever I wanted.

I'm sorry for this negative post.  I just really had to vent somewhere and I wanted to make sure if I get through this, I can look back and remember that there were times where I really struggled to stay on the right track.

Alex
Day 121 smoke free

And the momentum just keeps building

My sister (right) and me at an audition for a TV show

Things have just kept getting better these past few weeks.  I think about cigarettes far less often than I ever have since quitting, I've been exercising almost every day, and I finally quit raiding in WoW!

About a month ago I felt confident enough in my resolve to stay away from cigarettes that I decided I was ready to add something else to my "list" of life changes or new habits.  Luckily we have an elliptical at our home so almost every day since then I have been exercising on that elliptical.  Today I hit my new PR with 61 minutes on it!  I've already mentioned the beautiful shock I received at seeing how much healthier my lungs already were, but lately it feels like my ankles are starting to heal as well.  I honestly never would have thought working out would have helped.  I'm only going by how early/often in the workout I feel them hurting and today for example, they only hurt once at the beginning.  I wish I had the money to get them checked out by a doctor because I'd love to see if in fact they are getting better or if not, how to help them heal finally.

But the biggest happiness I'm feeling today is from WoW.  I know this time around I never quite felt the pull of the game as strongly as I had in the past, but up until my cruise in January I still enjoyed raiding.  It felt like overnight I had changed and just simply wasn't interested anymore.  The never-ending carrot on a string finally lost its appeal.  But I don't think that it really happened overnight.  I think quitting smoking, committing to work for my Dad, and exercising all played a part.

Here's where it gets crazy for me.  This isn't just happening with WoW raiding, it's happening for ALL games!  It is really such a big and quick 180 degree flip that I'm almost worried that it's so drastic that something else is going on, or that it won't last long.  I did come to realize though that for years and years, gaming was my way to escape.  And while I knew this was happening, I never know just how many things I was losing out on.

Now each day I wake up and can immediately think of 10 things that I can do to improve myself or my surroundings.  Around the house there are rooms to clean, things to organize, half finished projects that I can complete, and so much more.  Then there are errands I could run or items that need to be picked up.  There is a never ending amount of work I can be helping my dad with.  Social media is a massive dense jungle and you can be running around in there 24/7 but still have more you could do.

I've got lists now!  Lists for things to be done online, lists for things that I need to remember to buy, and even lists for things I really want to buy but don't have the money for like a new phone or this cool scale.  And of course each day I need to make sure I eat healthy meals and get my exercise in.  Now I know there are a lot of people that do that much every day plus work for 8 hours so I'm not exactly calling myself Wonder Woman here, but I am extremely proud of how far I've come.

With all these things to do... with so many different ways I can improve my life each day, I just don't want to waste time on games.  Especially games that require I log on certain days or else I let down other people.  Why did I ever think that would be okay again?  I had this feeling of dead certainty when I quit smoking this time, and I have that same feeling about raiding now.  That is it, I am done.  I haven't been interested in playing much of any game this past month, but even if that returns in time I know without a doubt that I will never be a raider again.  I know it sounds crazy, but I actually feel giddy about my freedom, as if I just got out of jail!

Oh I've already written so much but I need to talk about another major accomplishment I had yesterday.  I went with my sister to audition for the TV show Minute To Win It.  And wow, just wow I was so proud of myself.  I want to talk about it in detail next post because it really was a great victory for me.

Until next time :)
Alexandra

90 days! My journey so far

Well, 93 days to be precise :D  And wow, I really can't believe I've done it.

I started smoking in 2004 (when I was 20) and have tried to quit twice since.  Both times only lasted about a month before I gave in and started smoking again.  During my 2nd quit, I wanted to "change my life" so I decided to quit smoking, eat healthy, and work out all at the same time.  But about a month in when I started to slip on the eating and the working out followed suit, it wasn't long before I said to myself "Ah screw it, I'm failing at my diet and exercise, and not smoking is the hardest thing of all, why am I still trying to do that if I'm giving up on the rest??"  So of course with that mindset, smoking slowly crept back into my life.

Well this time it was different.  I was sick of smoking, I hated how enslaved I was to my cravings.  I was constantly embarrassed when I needed to smoke around non-smokers and I would avoid any activity or travel if I wasn't able to smoke.  I'm not sure how unique this was to smokers, but smoking was actually making me fatter!  I would chain smoke outside until I felt sick but then I would eat food so I could enjoy a cigarette again.  Which of course led me to chain smoke until I felt sick, then more food.  Quite a disgusting cycle, especially for someone who is already very overweight!

Needing those last few cigs before bed is part of the reason I had my very first panic attack last October.  And boy did that wake me up.  A few months prior I had sat with my Grandmother, who had smoked for 20 years, while she had a copd attack as she was trying to sleep.  We had to take her to the hospital.  She couldn't breathe and she was afraid she was going to die right then and there.  Seeing someone I loved so much go through something like that was a major turning point for me.  Months later, when I had my first panic attack and felt like I couldn't breathe, I had a terrifying glimpse into my future as a smoker.  It was the final piece in the puzzle.  I had to quit smoking, and I did.

Since then I've had some incredibly tough moments but also some of the happiest times of my entire life.  I wasn't sure I was going to make it in week one, but I stuck with it, trying to keep in mind all of the great advice and quotes I'd read on here.  I printed out a few posts that really resonated with me and kept them in my wallet so I could access them at any time.  I'd keep randomly getting excited throughout the day as my mind expected it was time for a cig, and then have this terrible let down when I remembered I'd quit.  Walking outside, heading to the car, finishing a meal, feeling bored.. all that and more would trigger this moment of excited expectation until the realization hit.  Boy that was a tough roller coaster of emotions.

In my early dreams I'd still be smoking cigarettes and would wake up longing for that false "freedom" I felt.  Later on in my dreams I would be halfway through a cig when I realized I had quit and I'd have this moment of shock and sadness at breaking it.  Then one day I had a dream where I said no to a cigarette because I had quit.  And even later I actually had a dream where not only had I quit, but I was helping someone else quit as well!

In the real world I found that, to my surprise, the post meal trigger was the first one to go.  I was afraid of coffee and driving for a while, but when I finally tried both, I was pleasantly surprised that the craving wasn't unmanageable.  I figured I'd spent 8 years reinforcing my association of smoking with pretty much everything that even when the actual physical addiction to nicotine was gone, it would take a while to "re-form" all those associations.  I know for me, altoids helped immensely though!  Every time I'd get a craving I'd pop a few altoids into my mouth.  Sometimes I could go through 2 full tins a day, and I would be eating them till my mouth was raw, but all of that didn't matter as long as I wasn't smoking!

Which brings me to the major decision that I made with this quit.  I gave myself a pass on everything else.  And by that I mean, I told myself it was okay if I ate terrible food, never worked out, stayed up all night.. basically did anything I wanted as long as I DID.  NOT.  SMOKE.  And for me, I think that made all the difference.  There was no other life change that I had tied into my quit.  There was nothing else I could struggle with, or give in to, that would have any effect on my decision to stay quit.  Not smoking became it's own section of my life that I was going to stay resolute in no matter what happened elsewhere.

Even though I hadn't worded it this way, in essence I had decided to stop being so hard on myself in every other area of my life as long as I didn't smoke.  I gave myself praise when I did something good, but didn't berate myself if I made a mistake.  I even remember this dream I had where, as dreams tend to do, out of nowhere I was puffing on a half finished cigarette which I quickly threw away shocked at how I'd broken my quit and smoked half a cig without even knowing!  But then, *in my dream* I told myself, "ok that sucks that you have to start the day count over, but don't be so hard on yourself, you had no idea you were smoking, you just now realized it and quickly threw it away.."  I mean IN A DREAM I actually had that mindset and was able to look at the problem in a healthy manner instead of getting angry and yelling at myself.  When I woke up I was so proud of my subconscious mind and how I'd handled that!

But that's not to say I didn't have my serious struggles.  I found out that more than any other trigger for me, anger was the scary one.  The closest I've come to smoking since I quit was during fights with my mother.  I have so much resentment and anger towards her that is mixed with such intense love and compassion that it can tear me up inside.  And I have a tendency to want to say really hurtful things to her when we are fighting even though I know I will regret it and apologize minutes after.

Absolutely nothing has tested me more than a fight with my mother and I've had to come up with other ways to cope since I quit smoking.  At first it was alcohol.  I rarely drink but early on it was the best thing I could come up with that calmed me down and kept me from smoking while also feeding that self-destructive streak I think a lot of smokers have and that is usually fed with cigarettes.

Now I know replacing smoking with alcohol as a way to deal with anger is a terrible idea, and I wanted to be careful that I didn't rely on it too often, but as part of my "free pass" approach, I didn't give myself crap about it at the time, and just made sure I didn't smoke.  Luckily I only used alcohol in that way a few times total, and have been working instead on stopping my anger before I get out of control or say something I'll regret.  This journey has shown me that I have a lot more anger in me than I used to think, and I need to find ways to control my emotions and outbursts instead of just medicating them after the fact.  So far deep breathing, listening to very loud angry music, crying, and exercise has helped lol.

Also, I have been really working on tapping into that immense pool of self control that I know must be inside me (and everyone who's quit an addiction) in order to grab hold of my emotions before they get too heated and steer them back into calmer territory.  I mean if I can say no to cigs when all hell is breaking loose in my head, then I can most certainly say no to anger.  Because I can honestly say, and I think a lot of you can agree.. nothing and I mean NOTHING has ever tested my resolve as much as some of my worst cigarette cravings.  And if I can conquer that, I can do absolutely anything.

So here we are.  93 days into my quit.  Two weeks ago I felt I was finally secure enough in my quit that I was ready to start adding other commitments to my life.  I committed to start working for my father's speaking business and about a week later I felt I was ready to add exercise as well.  Wow that felt good!  Getting on that elliptical I could actually feel the difference in my breathing.  I wasn't out of breath or needing to focus on breathing the whole time.  My body felt stronger and I wouldn't have even connected the two, but my toes weren't feeling tingly after 15 minutes because of what I think is better circulation now!

I've taken the same "pass" approach with my new workout commitment.  I don't care if I eat McDonald's 3x a day or get on that elliptical for 5 minutes or 30 mins as long as I get on there 5 times a week.  Just like with smoking, my goal isn't to be perfectly healthy right away.. it's simply to form healthy habits.  I know the results will come in time.  And wouldn't you know it, the days that I work out, I barely even want to eat McDonald's!

I still have cravings, and I still get angry and depressed and sad like I did when I was a smoker.  But what I *didn't* have as a smoker was moments of pure, uncontrollable happiness and pride when I think about the strength and discipline I've discovered within myself that I never knew I had, and how I've accomplished something that I never thought I could do.  Add to that the knowledge that you have quit something that was not only enslaving you daily, but killing you slowly - and you have some pretty powerful motivators to stay quit.  I know they are working for me :)


~Alexandra
93 Days quit, 1856 cigarettes not smoked, $511.50 and 14 days 4 hours of my life saved!

I love you lungs!

I believe I just had a life-affirming moment outside on the elliptical!  It's been 82 days since I quit smoking and I'm not sure why it took me this long, but today I finally pushed myself to exercise and boy am I glad I did!  

Within 5 minutes I knew.  It all came together in this glorious rush of emotions and energy and I knew right then that I wasn't going to be smoking again.  Being able to actually feel the the difference in my breathing and stamina was so inspiring and it was the last missing piece of the puzzle.

For the first time in years I could see myself getting back in shape and finding joy in workouts like I used to.  I hate that my right ankle is still messed up though.  It doesn't ever seem to be healing (it's been almost 2 years now) and I'm getting my first glimpse into the sadness that people must encounter when their bodies just don't work like they used to.  I really hope I'm not at that point, being only 28, but this damn ankle just won't heal.

But enough about that, today really was a great day and I'm just going to stay positive and keep hoping that my ankle will get better and I can start hiking again.  A part of me really wants to try that 30 day Sierra hike and/or climb Mt. Whitney again!

Just for online diary's sake, I want to make sure and mention what an amazing day I had yesterday working with Dad's business.  I spent about 8 hours straight working on updating his LinkedIn sites, making a new Facebook page for his business plus fleshing out a few other things we'd been working on.  It really felt great to be working with him and there is no doubt there is a lot of potential for growth with his company.  Lately I've been so worried about what I should be doing with my life but maybe this is it?  I can't wait to see :)

Still smoke free, time to add more responsibility

Boy I really have to work on being more consistent with my entries!  My last entry was over 2 months ago and as an update there is some good news, and some semi-good news.  The good (no, GREAT) news it that I still haven't smoked any cigarettes!  I am at around 75 days smoke free now and I really couldn't be prouder of myself in that regard!  I even had a really big test during this 4 day cruise I was on with my sister, but I still said no and showed myself that I am capable of incredible self control.

The semi-good news is that I haven't really gotten very far in the weight loss category.  In fact I gained back some weight since I quit smoking which, to be honest, I am not being very hard on myself about.  When I quit this time I told myself I would get a pass on absolutely everything else I struggled with, as long as I DID NOT SMOKE.  That was it.  That was the deal.  And I must say so far the decision to give myself a lot of slack in this crucial period was the best choice I could have made.  I have been playing WoW, I have been eating more calories than I should, and I have even been drinking more than I normally do all while not working out.. but absolutely no cigarettes so I'd give myself an A++++!

I did notice that I still have these obsessive oral behaviors.  Where I'd normally have a cigarette, I started eating Altoids instead.  Now of course, for the past 2.5 months I've had no problem going through Altoids like they were going extinct.. but lately I've started to feel like I even though Altoids won't give me cancer, they are still a sign that I am feeding an addiction and not in full control of myself.

I might have mentioned this earlier, but I also started drinking a bit in situations where I am very very angry or upset because those situations still give me this overwhelming urge to be self-destructive and drinking is a way to feed that destructive urge while also knowing soon after I will feel mentally altered and usually more calm.  Now I am fully aware that this isn't a good choice, and it is something I am going to work on when I feel more stable in how I deal with my anger and frustration.  For now, these intense negative emotions almost exclusively come from a fight with my mother.  And in the past where I would go outside and chain smoke, now I have to find another way to deal with these intense feelings and taking a shot of vodka has actually been very helpful even though I know it's not "healthy" to switch one addictive substance for another.

I've found that blasting some music to dance to (or not), or doing some of my breathing exercises that I learned from when I had the panic attacks also help.  I'm also trying to stop myself from even getting into the fight with her in the first place.  I lose my cool sometimes (mostly it is with her, so much history there) and say things I regret 5 mins later.  So what I've been working on is stopping myself before I even say that hurtful or mean comment, and try to remove myself from the situation before it gets out of hand.  I have had some success with this lately.

When I quit cigarettes I told myself 3 months.. 3 months of having a "pass" on anything and everything else, as long as I didn't smoke.  Well I'm almost at the end of that time, and I am just in the past week starting to want to add more accountability to other areas of my life.  I know it sounds small, but as an example I ran out of altoids a few days ago, and usually I'd make sure to go out and get more so I would have them to munch on throughout the day or during times of intense cravings.  But this time I made myself go without them for a few days because I didn't like the similar addictive feelings I was having towards altoids that I had with cigarettes.  I didn't like that I felt I needed to drive to a store to buy a tin of altoids because I had run out, even though I didn't really want to go.  That was way too similar to the familiar "gotta get cigarettes" feelings I used to have.

I also really need to get a job and eventually move out of my parent's house.  Lately I've become very aware of how dysfunctional my world views are.  Sometimes I feel like I was "frozen" at a certain mental age and I get extremely worried when I think about how comfortable I am living at home, and how the idea of moving away from my parents and dogs scares me so much.  It's only going to get worse the longer I live here, and already every time I try to imagine moving out, the idea of leaving my parents and dogs is upsetting enough that I just stop thinking about it.  I mean wow.. that is pretty bad.  I dunno maybe I need to go on anti-depressants again, maybe they could help me feel "less".  I'm just not sure.  But I have to be careful not to get too down on myself.  I have been in some rough places not so long ago, and I need to make sure to give myself credit where I deserve it.  Quitting smoking is a MAJOR victory and one that a lot of people who are far more successful and in-shape and sure of their life paths aren't able to do.  I've got strength in me, I know I can adapt to new situations, I just need to take that first big step.

Some goals for the coming month:
Get a job, whether it be part time or even more officially working for Dad
Start exercising more regularly and making better choices with meals
Make more of an effort to get to sleep before 2am
Consider adding anti-depressants or at least some kind of therapy

Until next time..  :)